DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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