So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
