I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
