why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
