Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize