If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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