just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
