my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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