I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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