The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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