last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
