i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
