I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
