you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
