and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
