i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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