my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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