Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
