mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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