A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
