She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
