I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
