life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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