My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
