Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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