He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
