I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
