FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
