HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
