my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
