The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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