i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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