Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
