I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He felt like a one man threesome
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
