The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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