I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
