Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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