The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
