I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
