I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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