Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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