Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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