So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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