The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize