hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
