you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
