Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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