weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
3 2 1 whiskey
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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