I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
