all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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