i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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