I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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