"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
3 2 1 whiskey
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
