She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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