i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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