so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
