Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
