I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
