So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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